Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Inflamation of the Brain

I feel like there are things I should be doing as there is simply not enough time in the world to read all the books I want to read, go to all the classes I want to go to, write all the words I need to write down, 43,986 before the end of the month. People want to see me. I want to see people but sometimes I fear that I have more lessons to learn on being alone although I've spent a majority of my life somewhat alone. I'm scared I will turn into one of those people who lose their shit when they don't have things to do and people to see. It's all so ridiculous because I don't think I'll ever be one of those people. I lose my shit when I can't get away and when I have more than three things to do in one day. Too many things and too many people and my head caves in. I think that's why I stayed in today and didn't venture out to write. I like cocooning in my own home surrounded by my own things without anyone to complain that I've had Pinback on repeat for 4 hours.

I feel like SLO happened a really long time ago although it didn't. I probably just miss jeff. I woke up this morning to a find an email from him about tablecloths and I like that I'm still ridiculously happy when I see a new email from him as I was 9 months ago when he was an exciting new shiny thing in my life.

The moon isn't full but it's beautiful tonight. I walked home from yoga and I could feel the sweat from my nose evaporate. My clothes are wet from sweat and I probably should just take them off but I feel too lazy and too full of words today for some reason. The house is cold but it's always this cold at night. I'm re-reading Tim Sandlin because I find that my writing gets better when I'm reading good writing. I found an old picture of me stuck between the pages. At some point while living in Los Angeles I thought it was a good idea to put tiny braids in my hair and pin them up every which way. While I don't feel particularly old, I do think I looked significantly younger and my choice in clothing and hair color (as well as the previously mentioned hairstyle) reflect that. These days I just look how I look and that's ok with me although sometimes I feel like I should look more creative...whatever that means.

Laura talked about being involved in your own life in class tonight. I wanted to tell her to get out of my brain. So much of this year has been about the fear of actively participating in my own life. People are so scared to engage. I am scared to engage. I don't want to step over any boundaries, worried about making mistakes. We tentatively reach out to people but not too much lest we seem weird, needy or overbearing. At what point did things start to feel like puberty again? Summer was fraught with this strange frenetic worry. The word frenetic is derived from the Latin phreneticus, a modification of the Greek phrenitikos, which is from phrenitis which means "inflammation of the brain."

Which basically translates to insane.

People don't care about what you do as much as you think they care.

I look forward to taking off wet clothes and getting into a hot shower and slipping into a warm bed with my sweet smelling cat.


Rory said...

My Great Aunt once said to me about "other " people...

For every ten people you meet in life--it breaks down like this.

2 People will LOVE YOU and want to be your friend

2 People will HATE YOU and want you gone.

And 6 People won't ever care one way or the other. So the odds are most people won't care.

I find this tend to be true and makes it easier to do my own thing

me said...

i like the breakdown.

(fyi, I'm one of the 2 people who love you)