weird

it's late and i had meant to go to bed hours ago.

my brain can't stop thinking about how so much of what i do is rooted in my nature, my genetic code and my heart can't stop feeling so weird about it.

sometimes you want to figure out how to fuck the system.

i've been worried about irrational things. i somehow manage to put them to bed so i can be a functional human being, but that doesn't mean they're resolved. i know that worry is such a useless emotion, it does nothing but cause undue stress. why these things come out at such times is beyond me. it's the witching hour.

i blame the whole lot of this on hormones, fevers and whooping cough.

this would never happen if i was a robot.

i was perfectly happy today kicking puddles of water down the street to the store for soup provisions. my fever died to a mere 99 so i decided it would be safe for me to travel. i had eaten everything i had in the house before we left for portland so i was stuck with nothing and even more nothing. i went through my cupboard and mournfully stared into its dark abyss. i had a jar of peanut butter. after two spoonfuls i decided this was no way to live so i took some ibuprofen to bring my fever down and made my way to the store.

if it wasn't for the messenger bag full of groceries on the way home, the wind would have taken me out several times. my neighbors were exiting the building as i was making my way to my apartment and they looked at me as the wind howled outside. they stared like they were contemplating going back home after seeing what the weather had just done to me.

i looked like i had just gotten out of the shower. my shoes squished.

i love it though. i love the rain.

i think i might be cranky because it stopped.

and my fever is back.

and i can't sleep.