Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dear ChaCha, I have a problem

I bought a new journal at Dog Eared Books because I had time to kill before meeting Setch and Scott for lunch at Cha Ya and because I wanted something to do at Ritual other then sit, voraciously hitting update on Facebook, reading friends status' until my eyes bled.

I thought the recovered book cover journals were interesting and found this one especially hilarious so I made my way to the counter asked the dude how he was doing and $10 later I was with paper.

I sat down on the sofa at the coffee shop after retrieving my soy latte to discover I was without pen.

When I realized I was without pen my brain started to come up with ideas and things to write about and it was at that moment I came to the conclusion that a part of me, a teeny-tiny part of me really hates myself.

I remember when I was a kid it was easy to write with complete abandon. I never had writers block. I would fill composition notebooks in days flat. I never stopped to think about where any of the stories would go, I'd just write and the stories figured themselves out.

It's a lot harder these days. I feel like I know too much now. This encourages too much thought and I feel stunted. Words are overwhelming. Everything is so much exposition with no real emotion. Writing about strangers is hard so I stick to what I know and I know very little about the real world since I've been living in staycation for four months. This life has been as unreal as it gets. I go to yoga, I nap in the park, I bake bread with the dr. and I don't necessarily worry much about anything.

Except recently.

I woke up in a cold sweat one night realizing that this can't last forever.

I think about work and my refusal to return to an office and the return to being trapped by the need for a paycheck. Sitting in the park with Eric, Ian & Ronny today I discussed some of my fears. I need to make a choice soon about what direction I'm going to go in and I need to turn my brain off lest I over think things.

I need to let things figure themselves out.

All I need is some nudging in the right direction.

And maybe a definition of what "right" means.

No comments: