Moving

I'm moving here if anyone is interested.

:)

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i have to go to work tomorrow.

i want to go to work tomorrow.

i felt logey and unmotivated this morn-er-afternoon, laying in bed with the dr. somehow convinced that this kind of lazy splendor would soon become a memory, knowing full well that was not true. i don't know why my brain likes causing these blips of desperation and drama. cue hand-on-brow fainting position.

i came home to find the boys in the kitchen making bruschetta and my cat perched on the arm of the sofa looking at me like 'where the fuck have you been?'

the house was warm, clean and smelled like garlic, like love. i took an extra long hot shower, thanked myself for doing laundry before the weekend started so I could slip into a clean bed, made a simple soup with tofu, spinach, broccoli & mushrooms and packed my bag for tomorrow, a strange ritual i had not done in quite awhile. every weeknight i would go through my messenger bag, swap out crap i didn't need, used yoga clothes for new, keys, book, journal, planner, pens, emergency pack which holds a sewing kit, lip balm, ibuprofen, travel brush, moisturizer, eye drops & a packet of emergen-c. stuff i carry with me all over this city, making sure i'm prepared for whatever, somehow comforted by these things, like lip balm and two pens can prevent disaster.

this need to be prepared is strange but has been with me my entire life. i felt like i should have spent some time studying contract standards before my first day (but i wasn't crazy enough to do so). it's both a blessing and a curse. there are some things you can't prepare yourself for.

this time last year i was not prepared for a long spell of bronchitis. i was not prepared to be dumped nor was i prepared to lose my job. no amount of prep was going to prevent these things from happening and my little world that i usually manage to keep in order unraveled all over the place with no real game plan on what to do next.

and it was magically...ok.

i was ok without a game plan until recently where i felt the overwhelming need for structure and purpose. i don't like that this meant job but i guess it's a starting point.

in discussing this with some of my various yoga teachers, it's something to keep my moving forward with goals in mind...like being able to start making $$ to put towards things that i've been wanting to do like teacher training, weekend baking courses and massage school.

i spent some time in the dr.'s hallway trying to kick up into a handstand, something i've only been able to do twice with some extra help (i.e. brian actually taking my ankles and placing my heels against the wall). the dr. coached and i tried, jumping, trying to get my hips up and over hoping the legs would follow. he told me i was close. i couldn't tell how close though, i wasn't sure. something familiar i've felt the past couple of months. people telling me i was close and i would eventually get there and not being able to tell how close or what to do next.

this time i feel really close. and i promise myself not to be lazy.

i've managed to get by with little complaint and with very little money this past year. i can count on one hand the number of times i've whined about being poor. while the job is only part time until march and once full time i'll be taking several steps back salary wise, it will be more then unemployment, which has kept me clothed, housed and fed for 9 months with very little struggle.

my other other savings account is aptly named yoga and still has money in it. i look forward to putting money in it once again.

in other news, i had so much ridiculous fun with the dr. this weekend.

super cat forever.

burro

hmm.

my ass looks bigger.

bodies are strange.

nearly lost my shit in class this morning. for some reason there were 20 more people then normal and the room was well over 100 degrees. i was dripping with sweat 2 minutes into class and sat out some poses convinced i was going to throw up my non-breakfast i did not eat that morning.

even after class i sat on the floor of the little hallway outside of the bathroom trying to pull it together. a classmate asked me if i needed a hand.

recovery took forever today. i had a hard time lifting my leg to get into the shower and had dropped several items, my muscles refusing to co-operate.

they are going on strike for the pain and heartache i had caused them.

whatever fuckers, you'll thank me later when you're 60 years old and can still do jumping jacks and things.

everything is still pretty sore.

it's times like this when the trip down the back stairs to get my laundry feels like the journey of natty gan. not to mention the trip back up with all 80 lbs of freshly laundered bedding.

where's a burro when you need one?

i am too cute to be your slave

phases

i can haz job? really? seriously?

full time in march? 'scuse me. eye itchy.

lemme put you on hold. my wallet is ringing.

this is what happens on very little sleep. you hear your neighbor's phone ring and you reach over and you answer your...wallet.

i snored in savasana during both classes today.

*i love how i'm holding both phone and wallet to my temples and not to my ears.

growth

Sojourner Truth is on the mend.

Her real name is Isabella Baumfree.

14 minutes

i had an awful day today.

nothing really happened.

i slept for most of it.

then i cried for a good chunk of it.

then i ate some soup.

it's just a rough patch, i know.

grappling with definitions of self worth always bring up some awful stuff. i've been so reticent with sharing emotions and it dawned on me today that i've been scared to be upset around those i love because people i had dated in the past had made me feel like it was selfish to do so. after being accused of using my emotions to manipulate i've felt like maybe i should keep them shut up inside in case i'm ever misunderstood like that again.

i didn't want nor plan on breaking down in front of the dr. today but after spending the past week letting it escape in dribs and drabs, it wanted out, the whole lot of it. the stress of being unemployed for so long, watching my savings account dwindle away, my health insurance expiring, the fear of not having a back up plan, the feeling that i have nothing to contribute to anyone or anything, all of it snowballing into one gigantic thing, one enormous creature full of self doubt and frustration barreling up from my gut, shivering its way through my ribcage and making its way out in a mournful sob. they started to come, one after another. it's when that space in the back of your throat gets tight and your lungs spasm as you hiccup that you realize there is no going back and there is no stopping the tears that you wished you could control.

it hasn't quite stopped. i opened my mouth to say hello to my roommate and it started all over again. i made some soup and it started all over again. it's still coming and going. i guess i've held back a lot the past week and now that the dam is broken everything wants to come rushing through and it's a lot more then i imagined it would be. there's nothing i can do about it but let it run its course i guess.

here's to a better tomorrow, which starts in approximately 14 minutes.

lesson

I spend so much time rationalizing myself out of going crazy, inserting the voice of reason to prevent catastrophic emotional meltdown, making conscious decisions to not let things get the best of me that maybe, just maybe I need to throw something large and heavy out of my window so I can relish in its satisfying crash. I fill myself with so much talk about accepting, working through and moving past difficulties that sometimes I feel like I'm talking myself out of being human.