Sunday, January 17, 2010

close

i have to go to work tomorrow.

i want to go to work tomorrow.

i felt logey and unmotivated this morn-er-afternoon, laying in bed with the dr. somehow convinced that this kind of lazy splendor would soon become a memory, knowing full well that was not true. i don't know why my brain likes causing these blips of desperation and drama. cue hand-on-brow fainting position.

i came home to find the boys in the kitchen making bruschetta and my cat perched on the arm of the sofa looking at me like 'where the fuck have you been?'

the house was warm, clean and smelled like garlic, like love. i took an extra long hot shower, thanked myself for doing laundry before the weekend started so I could slip into a clean bed, made a simple soup with tofu, spinach, broccoli & mushrooms and packed my bag for tomorrow, a strange ritual i had not done in quite awhile. every weeknight i would go through my messenger bag, swap out crap i didn't need, used yoga clothes for new, keys, book, journal, planner, pens, emergency pack which holds a sewing kit, lip balm, ibuprofen, travel brush, moisturizer, eye drops & a packet of emergen-c. stuff i carry with me all over this city, making sure i'm prepared for whatever, somehow comforted by these things, like lip balm and two pens can prevent disaster.

this need to be prepared is strange but has been with me my entire life. i felt like i should have spent some time studying contract standards before my first day (but i wasn't crazy enough to do so). it's both a blessing and a curse. there are some things you can't prepare yourself for.

this time last year i was not prepared for a long spell of bronchitis. i was not prepared to be dumped nor was i prepared to lose my job. no amount of prep was going to prevent these things from happening and my little world that i usually manage to keep in order unraveled all over the place with no real game plan on what to do next.

and it was magically...ok.

i was ok without a game plan until recently where i felt the overwhelming need for structure and purpose. i don't like that this meant job but i guess it's a starting point.

in discussing this with some of my various yoga teachers, it's something to keep my moving forward with goals in mind...like being able to start making $$ to put towards things that i've been wanting to do like teacher training, weekend baking courses and massage school.

i spent some time in the dr.'s hallway trying to kick up into a handstand, something i've only been able to do twice with some extra help (i.e. brian actually taking my ankles and placing my heels against the wall). the dr. coached and i tried, jumping, trying to get my hips up and over hoping the legs would follow. he told me i was close. i couldn't tell how close though, i wasn't sure. something familiar i've felt the past couple of months. people telling me i was close and i would eventually get there and not being able to tell how close or what to do next.

this time i feel really close. and i promise myself not to be lazy.

i've managed to get by with little complaint and with very little money this past year. i can count on one hand the number of times i've whined about being poor. while the job is only part time until march and once full time i'll be taking several steps back salary wise, it will be more then unemployment, which has kept me clothed, housed and fed for 9 months with very little struggle.

my other other savings account is aptly named yoga and still has money in it. i look forward to putting money in it once again.

in other news, i had so much ridiculous fun with the dr. this weekend.

super cat forever.

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