Monday, January 11, 2010

14 minutes

i had an awful day today.

nothing really happened.

i slept for most of it.

then i cried for a good chunk of it.

then i ate some soup.

it's just a rough patch, i know.

grappling with definitions of self worth always bring up some awful stuff. i've been so reticent with sharing emotions and it dawned on me today that i've been scared to be upset around those i love because people i had dated in the past had made me feel like it was selfish to do so. after being accused of using my emotions to manipulate i've felt like maybe i should keep them shut up inside in case i'm ever misunderstood like that again.

i didn't want nor plan on breaking down in front of the dr. today but after spending the past week letting it escape in dribs and drabs, it wanted out, the whole lot of it. the stress of being unemployed for so long, watching my savings account dwindle away, my health insurance expiring, the fear of not having a back up plan, the feeling that i have nothing to contribute to anyone or anything, all of it snowballing into one gigantic thing, one enormous creature full of self doubt and frustration barreling up from my gut, shivering its way through my ribcage and making its way out in a mournful sob. they started to come, one after another. it's when that space in the back of your throat gets tight and your lungs spasm as you hiccup that you realize there is no going back and there is no stopping the tears that you wished you could control.

it hasn't quite stopped. i opened my mouth to say hello to my roommate and it started all over again. i made some soup and it started all over again. it's still coming and going. i guess i've held back a lot the past week and now that the dam is broken everything wants to come rushing through and it's a lot more then i imagined it would be. there's nothing i can do about it but let it run its course i guess.

here's to a better tomorrow, which starts in approximately 14 minutes.


Alicia said...

There is no shame in crying. None. Release, Hon.

jen said...

thanks lady. :)

Blogger is a Stinking Heap of Pig Dung said...

Beautifully expressed. You'll come through fine.


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