i shouldn't, but I should

I dragged my ass out of bed at 7AM and made my way to my doctor's office ready for whatever news she had for me. We've formed an intimate relationship this past year. She knows more about me then my mother. I've been in tears on her exam table more times then I care to think about.

I braced myself for the weight-loss discussion that was sure to come up as I'm a couple of days away from bleeding, I'm feeling disgusting and sow-like despite hitting the gym and yoga to work out that dissatisfaction with myself, despite the fact that I weighed myself on Monday and according to the numbers, in 2 relatively meatless months I've lost 8 lbs.

None of this matters.

I feel like I weigh 8 million pounds no matter what people tell me or what the scale says. I feel heavy. I feel slow and retarded and I prepared myself this morning to hear my doctor tell me that I need to lose 80 lbs or I would die a horrible death cold and alone.

I trudged up the hill, sat in the waiting room, sat in the exam room, put on the stupid robe and answered the nurse when she asked me questions.

She stood in front of me with her clipboard. Her braid was so tight it made her forehead taut and shiny.

"Are you sexually active?
"Yes."
"Do you use contraceptives?"
"Yes. BCPs."
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"Do you drink?"
"Not really."
"Want to step on the scale for me?"
"Not really."

She looked up at me obviously not amused and I pretended that I hadn't said anything as I hopped off the table and onto the scale. I didn't look down. I didn't want to know.

She left me alone and not too much later Tara walked into the office all smiles and good mornings.

She opened the file left behind by the nurse. I could see her eyes skim over the notes made.

"When did you stop drinking?"

"I still drink, just not often," I answered.

"What was up with the kidney infection last month?"

"Oh you know, not peeing after sex, having a shitty immune system, being anemic."

She flipped a couple of papers in the file, read some more, then flipped back to what looked like was the front.

"How are you anemic all of a sudden?" she asked sounding perplexed.

"I stopped eating meat."

"When?"

"It was a secret."

"When?"

"Around April."

"Well that explains it," she said. "That and the weight loss."

"What?"

"You've lost weight."

"How? What? Why?"

"You've lost 16 lbs since last June."

"Are you serious?"

"Totally."

"Then why am I still fat?"

Tara dropped the file onto a counter and covered her face with her right hand, obviously covering her grin.

"You're. Not. Fat."

"But LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THE HEMISPHERES!"

I went to lift my top to show her my 4 cow stomachs but quickly realized I was wearing a robe and if I lifted it, that would be considered flashing. Even though she was heading down there anyway, I refrained from doing so.

"Contrary to what you think, you're doing pretty good for yourself," she started. "You get decent exercise, yoga does wonders for you and it sounds like you're working out your diet issues and this is proof that you're doing good. You're doing great, if you ask me. You know, considering that the last time I saw you, you were in tears."

"I can still cry," I replied. "This appointment isn't over yet. It's still early."

"Yeah, well they better be tears of joy because I ain't having it missy. Now lie down I need to feel you up."

"I've started charging for that."

"You and everybody else," she said and smiled.

I admitted to not really doing self breast exams because it just felt too weird and I was pretty sure it would lead to masturbation.

"You're horrible," she laughed. "Absolutely horrible."

"That's why I'm going to die cold and alone."

"How's the boyfriend?"

"Awesome."

"Cute."

"What?"

"You did this cute thing with your face before you answered."

"What did I do?"

"I can't even describe it. Your face answered the question before you did though. I'm glad you're happy."

"Me too. He made me breakfast last weekend."

"What did he make?"

"A tofu scramble."

"The day he makes you fried chicken and waffles is the day I pull you out of this relationship. Now slide down. You know the position."

She is a quick speculum and an awesome person and this is why I will always adore her.

I walked out of the office, walked to the lab 5 blocks away and got my blood drawn, drank a bottle of OJ to prevent myself from passing out, then went to the gym feeling the best I've felt in the past couple of days.

When I got home, I inhaled a bowl of lentils and a veggie burger patty.

And then I made these:



(original recipe)

I have an army of them.

I ate two and packed the rest of them in the fridge for disbursement to friends and the like.

Food seems to taste better when you're making something to share with other people. I don't need to consume 25 truffles whether they're dairy free or not. I like that I know this now.

And if will excuse me, I need to shower as I'm covered in cocoa powder.