Settle

I packed up work early and made my way out into the sun, picking up a loaf of sourdough for the park. I found Hallmark in the usual spot and plopped my ass down, kicked off my shoes and watched a shirtless man with headphones practice some sort of 'Solid Gold' routine like no one was around.

Gay men really do have some admirable balls. The kind that really dances like no one's watching.

I can't help but think of those pithy platitudes, "Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one's watching" that make me want to punch babies. While it's all great and idealistic to truely believe that you can do all three and all three will make your life worthwhile and meaningful I'd rather do something that doesn't feel like work, love despite the hurt and dance somewhere private where I'm sure no one's watching...somewhere like my bathroom or closet.

Tamie joined us 20 minutes later and for once my facebook status actually assisted in real life and the dr. came and found us as well.

And in about 10 minutes the sun moved to the other side of the park leaving us shivering.

I hopped into Tamie's car only to be teased all the way home about my inability to keep my hands to myself when he's around. It's muscle memory. This involuntary nerve twitch that I cannot control and my hands search for him and hold whatever part I can grab.

Ha. Parts.

Andrea stopped by with the bread starter she had for me. Upon finding out her starter was non vegan I began the starter for sourdough.

And by began I mean I poured a cup of warm water and a cup of flour into a wide mouthed container and slightly covered it.

Apparently that's all it takes. Weird. I'm growing things which is quite exciting.

Although it was rather late I went to the store to pick up more baking materials and others miscellaneous necessaties. Armed with some yeast and some time tonight I've got a date with a rolling pin. I am prepared to fail at this so at least my expectations are low enough that any sort of edible product will be a win-win situation.

Life is beginning to take on a natural cadence again where I am up and out and doing things and seeing people. I feel full of purpose and when people ask me what I'm going to do and if I'm looking for a job I tell them that I'm not going to start applying until I get back from Wisconsin. Their brow creases with concern and I'm met with some opposition to my unemployment ease.

"It'll be ok," I told Tamie last night. "I'll be fine. I need the time off and I will not worry about it. I cannot worry about it."

And I'm not really worried about it. I can't waste my time paralyzed with fear over what I'm going to do. All I can do is sit and be in awe of how all of this has come to play out and be excited for what's coming next.